Panic is unlike any other feeling. When people ask I describe its more terror than panic. Like someone holding a gun to your head. Your life is no longer in your hands and what’s to come isn’t in your control.
With anxiety came times of depression, they are usually comorbid. Depression is something of its own. Panic is fleeting and a general anxiety can always linger but depression has a grip so threatening its like darkness. It starts as a little dot in the middle of your stomach and it slowly grows and before you know it you’re walking around covered in it. You feel like you’re constantly walking around like you’ve dunked yourself in a pool of water fully clothed. You feel odd, you feel people are looking at you, like something covers you in shadow.
And it’s not far off to say that the lows were so severe that life felt impossible to bear. I once had a really bad night my sisters had set me off, and I just felt defeated. I was adamant that I was going to go for a walk and all the while in my mind the train kept popping up in my mind. It’s so scary how the mind does this, you may not have been thinking it but suddenly the thought is there and it seems more real and terrifying than ever.
But there was also a comfort, something that made me feel that it may be the answer to how I was feeling. Before I walked out the door my phone rang – it was my Mum. I contemplated answering but finally did. I only had to say one word and she knew something was wrong. She demanded I put my sister on the phone and proceeded to tell her not to let me out of her sight.
After ten minutes of sitting on the couch in protest, the fog started to lift and I began to cry. It was then when the reality of my thoughts hit me and everything became clear. What I had been thinking would be something that would change me forever and I would never look or think of suicide ever the same again. Because a person does not fear death any less than anyone else it’s just death seems easier than living in that moment.
But I want you to know that five years would come to pass after this night. I would move schools, win awards, get through exams, graduate, get into film school, make films and win awards, I’d fall in love, make new friends, get my licence, lose 15kgs, graduate again and get more jobs that I think I can handle, and only very recently experience heartbreak, but then to only fall in love again. In conclusion, I would live.
– Nikolina Mabic